by H. Gibrain

In recent years, a team of French and Swiss natural philosophers – led by Gray Schwartz (no pun intended) – have been able to disprove the existence of the beginning of time; however, this has recently changed! In early January, a group of six teams of scientists conducted simultaneous experiments in different locations on earth and in space to to show that any one particular matter/anti-matter (matter’s inseparable bed buddy) pair were linked together by an energy field that extends across the entire space-time continuum. The existence of this all permeating field disproves, or more precisely, eliminates the need for verifying the existence of the Higg’s boson since it adjusts the energy field tensor in a way that compensates for its extra missing momentum. This astounding result conclusively shows that they are unable to disprove the Slow Bang Theory (SBT) which, up until this time, was basically discounted by the scientific community. Much like Einstein’s Theory of Special Relativity, the implications of Slow Bang were at first considered absurd and for this very reason SBT was ignored for the better part of a century.

Ironically, it was also Einstein who defined insanity as “repeating something and expecting different results.” It was Gray Schwartz who revisited SBT as an undergraduate studying at Berlin Technishe Universitat and revived an interest in it.

“Well, I was contemplating the nature of the Higg’s particle when I thought, if theory hasn’t been proven empirically at this point we’re either too stupid to invent a device that can measure it – which I don’t think is the case – or the theory is wrong and the better part of the physics community is insane – looking in the same place over and over for something that just doesn’t exist. I mean, so few people understand this stuff to begin with that those of us who, say, make it up that hill are following the route set by very few explorers – which is to say we are followers and not leaders and have lost the courage to make up something new since there space, at the summit, is, essentially, isotropic.”

Since that time, Schwartz’s team have essentially been working in the closet trying to come up with an approach that eliminate the need for the Higg’s particle yet retain the basic features of Quantum Statistical Relativistic Fluid Dynamics and the Big Bang Theory which accurately predict all of the basic features of the universe that we are able to perceive.

Their approach is contained in these three Lemmas

1. There is no why?
2. Probability exists in redundant simultaneous states of zero probability and infinite probability (otherwise know as the “zero probability/infinite probability duality” or “zero equals infinity parity”)
3. Matter and Anti-matter are held together by Slow Light which permeates the known and unknown universe (commonly referred to as the Multiverse).

The first of these three Lemmas is the equivalent and corollary to Einsteins first postulate in the Special Theory of Relativity which states that there is no aether, that light is the same in all inertial frames. As there is no preferential direction for light to travel, there is no reason for light to travel. It is just something that happens: “ignota originem ad infinitum” as the saying goes. It is a principle violation of causality which is the limitation to natural scientific progress – the assumption that things happen for a reason or that they must even if it can not presently be determined. The current working theory is that if we can determine causality at this time, we are to assume there is a cause and there is no reason “and we’ll see what we get,” as Schwartz put it. “Like gravity,” Schwartz adds, “we have books on gravity too big for even Atlas to carry in a book bag that describe how things behave in the presence of a gravitational field yet no one understands why gravity is what it is. Well, we’ve given up trying to understand why some things are the way the are, like gravity and Slow Bang, and make the general assumption, as a result of the principle of slow light, that the entire universe is just on infinitesimally small point covering the entirety of time-space and everything else, that is, the inner workings, including you and me and ants and bosons and quarks and atoms, are nothing more than part of an energy exchange of the internal dynamics of a one-body system and, in fact, we’re kinda like the glue that holds the whole thing together. Or, another way of looking at it is that the whole thing is the glue which holds the glue together.”

The second postulate is an extension of the first and is, in its essence, corollary to the Heisenberg uncertainty principle and the correspondence principle with a little bit of Murphy’s law. While hard to put words to the actual mean of the second lemma of Slow Bang, it can be thought of by the following crime thought experiment:

Consider a party that you’ve invited your closest friends to. Each of these friends brings their trusted partner (trusted to them but not necessarily to you). Late into the evening you notice that one of your possessions has been absconded and you are wondering who might be responsible this inconsiderate act. You realize that it can’t be your trusted friends so you eliminate them from the probability pool of those who could have committed this infraction. This of course, increases the probability that it was their trusted partners – the most obvious choice since your close friends wouldn’t steal from you. However, you realize that the very fact that those who are most likely to commit the crime couldn’t commit the crime because they know that they would be more suspect than your trusted friends so they wouldn’t do it. Which immediately points the finger back at your trusted friends. The least likely to commit the crime is the most likely to commit the crime which then makes them the least likely. Schwartz describes this as “mobious probability” or “double suicide.”

To deal with Lemma III we must define slow light. “Slow light is the extreme fringe of probability beyond the boundaries of matter,” according to Professor Schwartz. “It is like the empty space of an atom, or the space between the earth and the sun, or that slight pause in between beats of a heart, or a rest in music. It is where matter emerges from anti-matter and anti-matter consumes matter. It is the nascent property of the multiverse “ignota originem ad infinitum. What is important to keep in mind when thinking about slow light, is that it is a unifying energy between everything in the universe. This idea is, in fact, illustrated by the nature of the photon and, as we say “orchestrated by the spiriton” which is the term we came up with to deal with both the lack of causality yet a clear and present presence in time-space. The spiriton is what I call the “god particle”. It is the anti-why things happen. It is the very consciousness of matter itself and is the unifying property of all things in the multiverse which is to say, quite literally, we are all one body.”