A shocking discovery was revealed today by the American Scientific Society when they published their findings in Noture magazine – a leading journal of scientific inquiry: “Toilet Paper Cures In Vitro Rectal Cancer in Laboratory Scientists.”

The study involved scientists at the ASS posing the dual roles of researcher and subject wherein they harvest rectal tissue from each other, cloned it, and using a retroviral technique of inserting short sequences of DNA in specific regions of the hosts rectal tissue DNA, they can cause the cells to revert back to stem cells and can, thus, effectively function as undifferentiated carcinomas which were let to proliferate. These cancer cell cultures were then treated with 3 different brands of toilet paper delivered by three different means (direct insertion, patting and wiping) at three different temperatures (kitchen, bedroom, bath).

The results show that, under all conditions, the stem cells reverted back to lab scientist rectal tissue except for the case in which bleached sheets were applied which caused sustained cell necrosis.

ASS scientists believe these finding are consistent with the fact that so few people in the defecating population contract rectal cancer!